So I slept horribly last night.
I kept convulsing and twitching and kicking my wall and thrashing about. I don’t remember any of my dreams though.
In my sleep I kept seeing my body writhing in desperation (though my intentions behind this desperation are confusing) and I would wake up to feel myself clutching at my body as if I was afraid it wasn’t there. I didn’t have any of these thoughts. In my half-consciousness before I opened my eyes I would see myself lying in darkness, my body encased in swirling colors. I have synesthesia so the colors aren’t abnormal. They were reds, magentas, dark greens, and bright yellows. Just tendrils of smoke making an aura of colors around me. My eyes were closed but I kept moving restlessly. I would see myself squirming and lashing out, then I would wake up and feel my movements drag me away from sleep.
I don’t know what’s more disconcerting. The fact that I’ve never had anything like restless-leg syndrome, or that I don’t know what dreams I had that infected the calm I should feel when I’m sleeping.
Because I don’t remember any dreams. This kept happening and happening. Probably 30 times before 6 am, which is when I woke up to close my window. Then about 15 times before 11, which is when I finally woke up soaked in sweat, imagining my body on fire. I also think I was crying in my sleep, because my eyes were all gooey and crusted in shit that obscured my vision when I finally woke up. But I don’t remember why I was crying.
It’s like behaviorism at its finest. My behavior in my sleep shows a tortured soul. But I can’t remember anything that would have tormented me thusly as I dreamt. My memories of sleep are only filled with colors. That’s also my synesthesia talking. I will sometimes forget the plot-lines of my dreams, but remember the colors of my unconscious.
Also my head hurts. Like a motherfucker. It has since about 6pm yesterday. I thought sleep would cure it, but no. Still in agony.
Synesthesia means my brain got twisted connecting language and color perception, I’m assuming. But letters, numbers, names, and personalities have colors. My mind’s eye has an isolation tank swirling with pigments, shades, mixtures, textures, watercolor paints, etc. Which is why, Hello it’s nice to meet you, my name is yellow. My name is shades of pastel yellow, bright yellow, gold, and orangey yellow. But most of the time ther only way I can describe my colors is in painful simplicity that I feel so not quite fit. Bt simple is the only way to verbalize it, so just yellow.